streaks across my psychedelic sky

What The Late Afternoon Brings

Posted on: January 21, 2006

I have goals. I have ambitions. I have a path in my mind's eye that I want to follow.

But right now I feel like I am stuck at some crossroad and I can't decide which way to turn. It doesn't help much that either choice offers nothing in terms of certainty with what I want N years down the line. If someone can truly tell the future, it would be such a boring, numb world.

Emotions are difficult to control. I have given up trying to control mine. Although I try and keep a tight rein on my frustrations concerning work. It is so unprofessional to lose your cool. If not downright stupid.

My wall is definitely back up. I heeded my bestfriend's call to be a risk-taker; to take a chance at putting my reserve down and let someone in. I did. It didn't work. Long story short, I lied. I said I would give it a few months before deciding to make the step back final. I can't help it if the wall comes up automatically. With each passing day, I feel myself slowly but surely tightening the bolts, sealing the cracks, adding extra locks to the already lock-clustered door. Again, I can't help myself. Self-preservation is an instinct and strong driving force.

I miss my friends. The ones who I haven't seen for years. They whose voices I have longed to hear again, to share laughter over such mundane and inane things only we understand. But I am grateful for the friends that are here now and sharing in my current happenings.

I am grateful for the solitude I now have at the end of each day. Coming home is something I cannot wait for. There is something about my own place that lets me breathe in a way I cannot fully describe.

I sometimes think about why I am saying goodbye to being Catholic, to the practices that once held meaning for me but now I cannot bring myself to do. I ponder on why I cannot still bring myself to attend Sunday school and sacrament meeting. This action is definitely in defiance of something. I have yet to define this something.

nobody led you through the darkness
whenever the changing tides would turn
nobody told you and reminds you
nobody ever let you learn
that everything turns
everything turns around

~ Binocular


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