streaks across my psychedelic sky

My Eternal Struggle

Posted on: March 5, 2006

I have the tendency to put myself on hold for some thing or some one. It is during these times that I feel my armor beget another chink. Like I collect them and wait yet again for when I will be stripped of it and be as vulnerable as they come.

I am open to new ideas, new things, new experiences. But I never said I welcomed them without my guard up, without my mask on. I know who I am. I accept who and what I am: I am the woman who guards her soul with zeal and her heart with tenacity. I allow myself to get hurt, to get beaten, to be embarrassed. But never to the point of belittling myself.

Life's experiences help me grow. This is why I welcome them. But I welcome them with a fair sense of reality and a touch of fancy. For life is not all harsh reality. It is part wonder, part discovery, part ugly, part surreal, part idiotic, but mostly beautiful. Yet, despite it all, I still cling to my guarded ways, afraid to fully let loose and be free with my passions.

My passions have been left to gather dust by the wayside. It would take a herculean effort on my part to rekindle even just a tiny spark. But that is what I must do. I must start somewhere.

But to aim for this re-awakening is futile since with my armor shielding me from what I perceive to be life's harsh realities, I am still held back. It still boils down to me.

How do i fully discard the shell that has been such a source of comfort, of protection, of solitude? Can I have it blown away in one fell swoop?

29 March 2005 at 12:30pm

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